[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
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The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.