*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
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*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
This January has 47 Mondays
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell