[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
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friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Split the bill
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Yeah. This was me today.
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.