Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

That’s no pocket rocket.

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something