I just tried on bathing suits and now I have to burn this fitting room down so it can never hurt anyone again
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
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HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
[Me as 911 Operator]
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she is probably upset at you.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
To be clear…putting your entire fist in your mouth should be a party trick saved for after Uncle Barry leaves