EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

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I just tried on bathing suits and now I have to burn this fitting room down so it can never hurt anyone again



HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL


NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers


[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”


Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???


You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she is probably upset at you.


“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”


My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”


To be clear…putting your entire fist in your mouth should be a party trick saved for after Uncle Barry leaves