@bea_ker

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

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@Lisabug74

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

@Douchekevin

I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by outrunning the cops.

@Bandersnaaatch

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

@7Osdeaky

you know there’s a generation gap when kids are talking about tik tok and you realize they’re not talking about the pop classic Tik Tok by Kesha released in 2009

@LittleMissAngr1

I lost a friend over my bastardization of common idioms, but I think she should just let pylons be pylons.

@TheHyyyype

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

@PaperWash

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

@Browtweaten

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

@Ygrene

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

@LoveNLunchmeat

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.