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@bea_ker: EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
@ThoughtOtter: *hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
"You didn't see anything, baby."
@XplodingUnicorn: [lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
@david8hughes: [police interrogation]
"What do you do for a living?"
"Louder, for the tape."
"Bug healer. I heal bugs."
@lecalabara: I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
@iGreenMonk: Good things come to those who wait, except for those who wait for the bus.