EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
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SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.