It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
You Might Also Like
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May