@DanMentos

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

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@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

@Scottzilla667

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

@samdunsiger

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

@SarahKSilverman

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

@HatfieldAnne

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

@nbadag

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

@clichedout

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot