[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
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Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
When the stylist spins you back around
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.