I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
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Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.