:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
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if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Had to try this trend 😊
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink