Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@magicraisin

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

@Browtweaten

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

@IndecisiveJones

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

@fraktal8

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

@SortaBad

I’ve upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony

@pmclellan

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

@EndhooS

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

@GrumpyyCat

Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

@Spaziotwat

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

@jmspool

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.