Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
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mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I’ve upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
Primary cause of death: Eaten
Primary cause of death: Eating
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.