:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

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cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*


Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.


I’ve upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony


The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.


[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out


Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.


[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

Primary cause of death: Eating


Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.