EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
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Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.