Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Smug_Lemur

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

@justmiche74

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

@soulindivision2

Me: Always follow the science.
Also me: Thunders comin’, I can feel it in me noggin.

@papasuncle

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

@mrjohndarby

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

@Phook75

No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower

@o__0Dev

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

@DaveOshry

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

@LeftOf_Normal

My therapist told me “Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them.” Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.

@Shock_Monster

So, when I wear my phone clipped to my belt & a fanny pack, I’m a douche.nnBatman does it & it’s a bad-ass utility belt. nnnDouble standard.