“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
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Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?
God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.