@UnFitz

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

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@joejwest

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

@rachelle_mandik

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

@erichwithach

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

@SlabBaconBP

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

@karanbirtinna

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

@NicestHippo

Oscar nominations are out. Let’s experience actual emotion about multimillionaires giving each other gold

@LOLGOP

It was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve! – someone who believes in talking snakes

@Neauxpe

Anytime a religious organization follows me I just assume I’m being used as a case study/example and they are praying super hard.