Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
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USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.