@Kryzazy

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

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@UnFitz

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

@kaitlinmaarie

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

@SuitableHolmes

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

@TheOnlyMommaG

[me explaining why I have two black eyes and fucked up nose to my co-worker]

“I was in a bar fight, it got crazy”

*what actually happened.. Got kicked in the face by an eight year old playing sharks and minnows 😑

@ArfMeasures

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

@zachreinert03

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

@momjeansplease

Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…

@cavaticat

me: I’m hungry
fridge: great news, I’m full of foods you selected
me: no, not like that

@SaddleLawman

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

@chimneyspotter

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet