Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

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Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*


asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat


Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.


[me explaining why I have two black eyes and fucked up nose to my co-worker]

“I was in a bar fight, it got crazy”

*what actually happened.. Got kicked in the face by an eight year old playing sharks and minnows 😑


ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?


Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no


Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…


me: I’m hungry
fridge: great news, I’m full of foods you selected
me: no, not like that


Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.


PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet