Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
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5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.