Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
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How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Life cycle of cat
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?