EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
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*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
WHY?!
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.