@NicestHippo

Emperor Sleepoleon, we urge you to change your name to appear less lazy to your people.
Oui, I shall dial it back, BUT ONLY SLIGHTLY

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@Bluestmoon_

My neighbors wifi isn’t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?

@Darlainky

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

@ThisOneSayz

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

@HatfieldAnne

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

@batkaren

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

@LizHackett

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

@MooseAllain

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

@RandiLawson

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

@melibuff

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

@SaraBWarf

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time