My neighbors wifi isn’t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
Emperor Sleepoleon, we urge you to change your name to appear less lazy to your people.
Oui, I shall dial it back, BUT ONLY SLIGHTLY
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Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
C: Jen sounds nice
C: Is Jen single?
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time