@TrueTorontoGirl

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

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@SteveEllum

Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.

@AndrewNadeau0

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

@WritePlay

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

@ahumanfireball

A perk of being in your thirties is waking up injured because you slept in a slightly different way than usual.

@IncrediblyRich

All you people who chose “The Real” or “Official” before your Twitter handle really thought ahead of the game there. Well done, guys.

@ItsAndyRyan

Ladies, if he’s:
– Possessive
– Confusing
– Never where he’s supposed to be
…He’s not your man. He’s an apostrophe