Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

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Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.


POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?


My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.


A perk of being in your thirties is waking up injured because you slept in a slightly different way than usual.


All you people who chose “The Real” or “Official” before your Twitter handle really thought ahead of the game there. Well done, guys.


Ladies, if he’s:
– Possessive
– Confusing
– Never where he’s supposed to be
…He’s not your man. He’s an apostrophe