employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
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“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
The Assassin.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos