@prufrockluvsong

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

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@mommajessiec

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

@Sal_Stevens

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

@mejustbeth

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

@TweetsByTheTony

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

@betulesairafi

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

@Gupton68

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

@Beardson

Cat: Meow

Me: Hi

Cat: Meoww

*picks up cat*

Cat: Meowww

*puts cat down*

Cat: Meowwww

*feeds cat*

Cat: Meowwwww

Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

@bencoffeehall

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get