Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
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Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
*runs away from it all*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
“Meh” -apathetic cow
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
*picks up cat*
*puts cat down*
Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get