Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
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What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.