Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
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I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?