Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
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Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3