Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
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You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
DATE: I chose this restaurant for the ambience.
ME: Ah, very good. [to waiter] A bottle of your finest Ambiens, please.
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.