After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
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“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“It smells like ketchup.”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
To the account who followed me while I slept and then unfollowed me before I woke.
My apologies for taking a break. It won’t happen again!
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
If I ever wake up feeling refreshed I’ll know for sure that I died in my sleep.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
My boyfriend got his covid vaccine yesterday and I can tell you the most prominent side effect is the inability to shut up about getting the covid vaccine