@PondBubbles

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

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@bridger_w

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

@UncleDuke1969

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

@GavsonNZ

To the account who followed me while I slept and then unfollowed me before I woke.

My apologies for taking a break. It won’t happen again!

@ddsmidt

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

@squirrel74wkgn

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

@CrockettForReal

If I ever wake up feeling refreshed I’ll know for sure that I died in my sleep.

@Marlebean

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

@_emilyoram

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

@Emaperidol

My boyfriend got his covid vaccine yesterday and I can tell you the most prominent side effect is the inability to shut up about getting the covid vaccine