employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
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Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
This is so me 😂😂
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫