@Mom_Overboard

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

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@TravLeBlanc

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

@allyneedy

My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed

@crushingbort

sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world

@ilyaschaeffer

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

@JimmerThatisAll

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

@DrakeGatsby

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

@AtticusFinch79

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

@WickedDarkEyes

If you haven’t used your fingers to “expand” a picture in a Magazine today, well then you’re not me.

@e4moji

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that