Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
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Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Festive toon…
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
A classic…
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first