Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

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honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old


Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!


Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.


My good mood is directly related to me. Don’t flatter yourself.


You (someone who flips houses): I flip houses

Me (an idiot): you must be very strong


[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died


Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.


Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.


Me filling my cart with Hershey’s with Almonds.

Friend: Don’t your kids have nut allergies?

Me: Yep.


I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.