So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
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sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
why are people running cross country. use a car
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
If you haven’t used your fingers to “expand” a picture in a Magazine today, well then you’re not me.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that