Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
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If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Some people were born into their job.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me