Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

tell em, edith-anne

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling