EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

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You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.


I’ve limited my friends to 3 people that know how to split a dinner bill w/o causing a fiasco and life has been awesome since.


My jeans say “no more Christmas goodies” but my leggings are like “we got you, gurrrl”


I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift


Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger


“Bluetooth or crazy”

– is a guessing game I play when I see someone talking to themselves on the street. I usually guess wrong.



Yeah, Bud

Can you scour the house looking EVERYWHERE for something I’m poorly describing that you’ve never seen or heard of before?


GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.


Being funny is connecting two unrelated things and making a joke, said my parents