EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
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Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Sunday
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.