Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
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Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started