@unmehlievable

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

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@thepunningman

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

@vancitybarbie

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

@TheBoydP

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

@perlhack

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

@P_o_n_k

BEE 1: You get 1 chance to sting someone, so make sure they’re a threat.

BEE 2: Well that guy’s over there walking.

BEE 1: He’s doing WHAT

@jbillinson

Biden: I think if we just leave a small-
Obama: No
Biden: Just a small Mouse Trap inspired-
Obama: No booby traps, Joe

@GingerHotDish

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

@jellybnbonanza

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.