Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
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Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.