Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
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If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
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[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.