End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
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*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I did not eat the cake…
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby