[end credits roll]

“I did not see that coming”

“Dude that was titanic”

You Might Also Like


cat: hello please pet me

me: sure *goes to pet*


me: umm

cat: *points at a 1mm size spot on head* here and here only

me: ok *pets spot*

cat: *swats me*

me: what the hell

cat: i changed my mind


Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself


Dear Grocery store clerk,

What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?


My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.


“I wish some random guy from India would DM me!”

-no girl, ever


5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.


[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?


If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.


gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over