[end credits roll]

“I did not see that coming”

“Dude that was titanic”

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Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name


Me: *breathes”
My parents: you need to watch that attitude young man.


A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave


cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: because the police force is designed to protect the wealthy

cop: there’s a man in your trunk

me: yea a rich man


I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.


invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?


It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.


Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*