@This_Josh_guy

[end credits roll]

“I did not see that coming”

“Dude that was titanic”

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@andlikelaura

cat: hello please pet me

me: sure *goes to pet*

cat: NOT THERE

me: umm

cat: *points at a 1mm size spot on head* here and here only

me: ok *pets spot*

cat: *swats me*

me: what the hell

cat: i changed my mind

@thatdutchperson

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

@KoKeniSasquatch

Dear Grocery store clerk,

What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?

@RodLacroix

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

@Vodkantots

“I wish some random guy from India would DM me!”

-no girl, ever

@TheAlexNevil

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

@lucidchemistry

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

@BlackCatBettie

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

@sosexuaI

gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over