cat: hello please pet me
me: sure *goes to pet*
cat: NOT THERE
cat: *points at a 1mm size spot on head* here and here only
me: ok *pets spot*
cat: *swats me*
me: what the hell
cat: i changed my mind
[end credits roll]
“I did not see that coming”
“Dude that was titanic”
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Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Dear Grocery store clerk,
What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
“I wish some random guy from India would DM me!”
-no girl, ever
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over