@This_Josh_guy

[end credits roll]

“I did not see that coming”

“Dude that was titanic”

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@TheAlexP

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

@albz

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

@POTerritory

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

@kathypifer1

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

@jonnysun

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

@onlxn

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

@NeighborGrumpy

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

@Jmboyd58

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

@NintenDom

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.