Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
[end credits roll]
“I did not see that coming”
“Dude that was titanic”
You Might Also Like
My parents: you need to watch that attitude young man.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: because the police force is designed to protect the wealthy
cop: there’s a man in your trunk
me: yea a rich man
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!