Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
[end credits roll]
“I did not see that coming”
“Dude that was titanic”
You Might Also Like
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.