@david8hughes

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

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@TheCatWhisprer

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

@AndrewNadeau0

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

@majoleaguetweet

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

@QwertyJones3

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

@ShoutingGoddess

Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.

@jordan_stratton

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

@ella__fraser

“We need to talk”

*stop, drops and rolls
*Army crawls out of the room

@juneohara65

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

@Carbosly

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

@FeelingEuphoric

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no