[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

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I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.


{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.


Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!


Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?


Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.


SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?


“We need to talk”

*stop, drops and rolls
*Army crawls out of the room


“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color


Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.


TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no