End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
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A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
My time has come.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*