End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
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guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise