@JediGigi

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

You Might Also Like

@UberFacts

The founder of Adidas went by the nickname Adi, because his real name – Adolf – has become rather unpopular.

@sixfootcandy

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

@Jay_FrickinLynn

[Giving a toast]
“It was when I was entering blackout that I realized I forgot the Plan B at home. Happy 1st birthday, you little accident.”

@bridger_w

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

@HousewifeOfHell

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

@KentWGraham

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

@klara_sjo

Dude went to the Yosemite Sam school of how to deal with critters.

@dulcetry

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

@dhumann

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

@Jake_Vig

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.