@UberFacts The founder of Adidas went by the nickname Adi, because his real name – Adolf – has become rather unpopular.
@JediGigi [end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
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@UberFacts 
@sixfootcandy Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
@Jay_FrickinLynn [Giving a toast]
“It was when I was entering blackout that I realized I forgot the Plan B at home. Happy 1st birthday, you little accident.”
@bridger_w Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
@HousewifeOfHell I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
@KentWGraham My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
@klara_sjo Dude went to the Yosemite Sam school of how to deal with critters.
@dulcetry I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
@dhumann You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
@Jake_Vig Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.