@shanethevein
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
@JediGigi
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
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@shanethevein
@Phook75
I don’t ever worry about the kinda world I’m leaving my kids. They’ll just leave their shit everywhere anyhow
@writerPT
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
@dkn33c
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
@TwinSurvivalist
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
@fillthevacuum
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
@SemraDurmisevic
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
@NewDadNotes
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
@MavenofHonor
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho