@JediGigi

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

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@shanethevein

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

@Phook75

I don’t ever worry about the kinda world I’m leaving my kids. They’ll just leave their shit everywhere anyhow

@writerPT

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

@dkn33c

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

@TwinSurvivalist

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

@SemraDurmisevic

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

@MavenofHonor

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho