[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
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Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I can’t wait!
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.