[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
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I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.