[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
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Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.