[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
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bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE