Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
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Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I think I’m having a stroke
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it