endless breadsticks. bottomless fries. yawning abyss of onion rings. HOWLING DESOLATE CHASM OF POTATO SKINS
You Might Also Like
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free