@toomanytoes

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

@Jenn_H_Scott

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

@AngelaEhh

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

@Brampersandon_

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

@Ristolable

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

@AdderallMomma

Nobody warned me that my child could possibly develop an attitude similar to mine.

@skedaddle74

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

@malt_skull

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

@iGreenMonk

I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.

@dukelongboard

When I was 13 my dad gave me a bunch of socks n said “I heard u grunting in ur room last night, do it into these” So now I poop into socks