“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

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Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.


I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy


Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.


ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough


The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months


Nobody warned me that my child could possibly develop an attitude similar to mine.


If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.


Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch


I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.


When I was 13 my dad gave me a bunch of socks n said “I heard u grunting in ur room last night, do it into these” So now I poop into socks