“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
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It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
That’s not how days work.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Boating season is upon us.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?