When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
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I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
“Oh my god, you’ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?”
– my mother
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.