ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
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Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.