Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

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Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back


An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.


If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes


“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”


“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet


Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”


My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is…….if it tastes good spit it out.


[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”


Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?


Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn’t Follow you back within 48 hours.