@goulden_eye

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

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@fart

when a date asks you what your dreams are you gotta say you want a family or a great career or something. dont bring up the one where you catch a meteorite with a baseball glove and its the shrunken head of your old gym teacher who tells you the exact date and time you will die

@bornmiserable

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

@benicus_rex

WHAT DO WE WANT
to stop shrinking
???? ?? ?? ???? ??
?? ???? ?? ???????? ??????

@Cpin42

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

@ibid78

[in hospital]
-dude what happened?
“I got hit by a bu-
[a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion]
-I mean I fell down the stairs”

@Girl15Gone

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

@UnFitz

The snootiest of the dinosaurs was the Connoissaur. It roamed the earth during the Epicurean era.