Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
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It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me