Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

You Might Also Like


when a date asks you what your dreams are you gotta say you want a family or a great career or something. dont bring up the one where you catch a meteorite with a baseball glove and its the shrunken head of your old gym teacher who tells you the exact date and time you will die


You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.


to stop shrinking
???? ?? ?? ???? ??
?? ???? ?? ???????? ??????


If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear


[in hospital]
-dude what happened?
“I got hit by a bu-
[a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion]
-I mean I fell down the stairs”


I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.


The snootiest of the dinosaurs was the Connoissaur. It roamed the earth during the Epicurean era.