@goulden_eye

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

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@rebrafsim

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

@mrtruthandsoul

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

@Canadian_Cutie_

If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes

@crouton_futon

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

@UnFitz

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

@VirgoSherry

My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is…….if it tastes good spit it out.

@ShesARealGenius

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

@5hael

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

@hiplingo

Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn’t Follow you back within 48 hours.