[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
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Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
welp
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.