My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
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I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices