Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
“Engagement” can mean either planning to marry or initiating combat. Coincidence?
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13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
“my eye is up here”
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
After I die I want the words, ‘Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment’ engraved on my urn.