@MichaelGoffLA

“Engagement” can mean either planning to marry or initiating combat. Coincidence?

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@LindaInDisguise

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

@Jeffwni

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

@AtticusFinch79

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

@KrangTNelson

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

@k_lli

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

@WheelTod

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

@Abusitron

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

@donni

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

@realHamOnWry

After I die I want the words, ‘Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment’ engraved on my urn.