therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
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“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.