My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
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uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
One venti cheeseburger please.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Where is your GOD now????
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.